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  Philip Roth

  OUR GANG

  In the 1990s Philip Roth won Americas four major literary awards in succession. Patrimony received the 1991 National Book Critics Circle Award, Operation Shylock the 1993 PEN/Faulkner Award, Sabbath’s Theater the 1995 National Book Award, and American Pastoral the 1998 Pulitzer Prize in fiction. His next book, I Married a Communist, received the 1998 Ambassador Book Award of the English-Speaking Union. Previously he won the National Book Critics Circle Award for The Counterlife (1986) and the National Book Award for Goodbye, Columbus (1959). In 1998 he received the National Medal of Arts at the White House.

  Books by Philip Roth

  ZUCKERMAN BOOKS

  The Ghost Writer

  Zuckerman Unbound

  The Anatomy Lesson

  The Prague Orgy

  The Counterlife

  American Pastoral

  I Married a Communist

  The Human Stain

  ROTH BOOKS

  The Facts

  Deception

  Patrimony

  Operation Shylock

  KEPESH BOOKS

  The Breast

  The Professor of Desire

  The Dying Animal

  OTHER BOOKS

  Goodbye, Columbus · Letting Go

  When She Was Good · Portnoy’s Complaint

  Our Gang · The Great American Novel

  My Life as a Man · Reading Myself and Others

  Sabbath’s Theater

  To MILDRED MARTIN of Bucknell University,

  ROBERT MAURER now of Antioch College,

  and NAPIER WILT of the University of Chicago—

  three teachers to whom I remain particularly

  grateful for the instruction and encouragement

  they gave me

  … And I remember frequent Discourses with my Master concerning the Nature of Manhood, in other Parts of the World; having Occasion to talk of Lying, and false Representation, it was with much Difficulty that he comprehended what I meant; although he had otherwise a most acute Judgment. For he argued thus; That the Use of Speech was to make us understand one another, and to receive Information of Facts; now if anyone said the Thing which was not, these Ends were defeated; because I cannot properly be said to understand him; and I am so far from receiving Information, that he leaves me worse than in Ignorance; for I am led to believe a Thing Black when it is White, and Short when it is Long. And these were all the Notions he had concerning that Faculty of Lying, so perfectly well understood, and so universally practised among human Creatures.

  —Jonathan Swift, A Voyage to

  the Houyhnhnms, 1726

  … one ought to recognize that the present political chaos is connected with the decay of language, and that one can probably bring about some improvement by starting at the verbal end.… Political language—and with variations this is true of all political parties, from Conservatives to Anarchists—is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.

  —George Orwell, “Politics and

  the English Language,” 1946

  Contents

  1 * Tricky Comforts a Troubled Citizen

  2 * Tricky Holds a Press Conference

  3 * Tricky Has Another Crisis; or, The Skull Session

  4 * Tricky Addresses the Nation

  (The Famous “Something Is Rotten in the State of Denmark” Speech)

  5 * The Assassination of Tricky

  6 * On the Comeback Trail; or Tricky in Hell

  FROM PERSONAL AND RELIGIOUS BELIEFS I CONSIDER ABORTIONS AN UNACCEPTABLE FORM OF POPULATION CONTROL. FURTHERMORE, UNRESTRICTED ABORTION POLICIES, OR ABORTION ON DEMAND, I CANNOT SQUARE WITH MY PERSONAL BELIEF IN THE SANCTITY OF HUMAN LIFE-INCLUDING THE LIFE OF THE YET UNBORN. FOR, SURELY, THE UNBORN HAVE RIGHTS ALSO, RECOGNIZED IN LAW, RECOGNIZED EVEN IN PRINCIPLES EXPOUNDED BY THE UNITED NATIONS.

  RICHARD NIXON,

  SAN CLEMENTE, APRIL 3, 1971

  1

  Tricky Comforts a

  Troubled Citizen

  CITIZEN: Sir, I want to congratulate you for coming out on April 3 for the sanctity of human life, including the life of the yet unborn. That required a lot of courage, especially in light of the November election results.

  TRICKY: Well, thank you. I know I could have done the popular thing, of course, and come out against the sanctity of human life. But frankly I’d rather be a one-term President and do what I believe is right than be a two-term President by taking an easy position like that. After all, I have got my conscience to deal with, as well as the electorate.

  CITIZEN: Your conscience, sir, is a marvel to us all.

  TRICKY: Thank you.

  CITIZEN: I wonder if I may ask you a question having to do with Lieutenant Calley and his conviction for killing twenty-two Vietnamese civilians at My Lai.

  TRICKY: Certainly. I suppose you are bringing that up as another example of my refusal to do the popular thing.

  CITIZEN: How’s that, sir?

  TRICKY: Well, in the wake of the public outcry against that conviction, the popular thing—the most popular thing by far—would have been for me, as Commander-in-Chief, to have convicted the twenty-two unarmed civilians of conspiracy to murder Lieutenant Calley. But if you read your papers, you’ll see I refused to do that, and chose only to review the question of his guilt, and not theirs. As I said, I’d rather be a one-term President. And may I make one thing more perfectly clear, while we’re on the subject of Vietnam? I am not going to interfere in the internal affairs of another country. If President Thieu has sufficient evidence and wishes to try those twenty-two My Lai villagers posthumously, according to some Vietnamese law having to do with ancestor worship, that is his business. But I assure you, I in no way intend to interfere with the workings of the Vietnamese system of justice. I think President Thieu, and the duly elected Saigon officials, can “hack” it alone in the law and order department.

  CITIZEN: Sir, the question that’s been troubling me is this. Inasmuch as I share your belief in the sanctity of human life—

  TRICKY: Good for you. I’ll bet you’re quite a football fan, too.

  CITIZEN: I am, sir. Thank you, sir … But inasmuch as I feel as you do about the unborn, I am seriously troubled by the possibility that Lieutenant Calley may have committed an abortion. I hate to say this, Mr. President, but I am seriously troubled when I think that one of those twenty-two Vietnamese civilians Lieutenant Calley killed may have been a pregnant woman.

  TRICKY: Now just one minute. We have a tradition in the courts of this land that a man is innocent until he is proven guilty. There were babies in that ditch at My Lai, and we know there were women of all ages but I have not seen a single document that suggests the ditch at My Lai contained a pregnant woman.

  CITIZEN: But what if, sir—what if one of the twenty-two was a pregnant woman? Suppose that were to come to light in your judicial review of the lieutenant’s conviction. In that you personally believe in the sanctity of human life, including the life of the yet unborn, couldn’t such a fact seriously prejudice you against Lieutenant Calley’s appeal? I have to admit that as an opponent of abortion, it would have a profound effect upon me.

  TRICKY: Well, it’s very honest of you to admit it. But as a trained lawyer, I think I might be able to go at the matter in a somewhat less emotional manner. First off, I would have to ask whether Lieutenant Calley was aware of the fact that the woman in question was pregnant before he killed her. Clearly, if she was not yet “showing,” I think you would in all fairness have to conclude that the lieutenant could have had no knowledge of her pregnancy, and thus, in no sense of the word, would he have committed an abortion.

  CITIZEN: What if she told him she was pregnant?

  T
RICKY: Good question. She might indeed have tried to tell him. But in that Lieutenant Calley is an American who speaks only English, and the My Lai villager is a Vietnamese who speaks only Vietnamese, there could have been no possible means of verbal communication. And as for sign language, I don’t believe we can hang a man for failing to understand what must surely have been the gestures of a hysterical, if not deranged, woman.

  CITIZEN: No, that wouldn’t be fair, would it.

  TRICKY: In short then, if the woman was not “showing,” Lieutenant Calley could not be said to have engaged in an unacceptable form of population control, and it would be possible for me to square what he did with my personal belief in the sanctity of human life, including the life of the yet unborn.

  CITIZEN: But, sir, what if she was “showing”?

  TRICKY: Well then, as good lawyers we would have to ask another question. Namely: did Lieutenant Calley believe the woman to be pregnant, or did he, mistakenly, in the heat of the moment, assume that she was just stout? It’s all well and good for us to be Monday Morning My Lai Quarterbacks, you know, but there’s a war going on out there, and you cannot always expect an officer rounding up unarmed civilians to be able to distinguish between an ordinary fat Vietnamese woman and one who is in the middle, or even the late, stages of pregnancy. Now if the pregnant ones would wear maternity clothes, of course, that would be a great help to our boys. But in that they don’t, in that all of them seem to go around all day in their pajamas, it is almost impossible to tell the men from the women, let alone the pregnant from the nonpregnant. Inevitably then—and this is just one of those unfortunate things about a war of this kind—there is going to be confusion on this whole score of who is who out there. I understand that we are doing all we can to get into the hamlets with American-style maternity clothes for the pregnant women to wear so as to make them more distinguishable to the troops at the massacres, but, as you know, these people have their own ways and will not always consent to do even what is clearly in their own interest. And, of course, we have no intention of forcing them. That, after all, is why we are in Vietnam in the first place-to give these people the right to choose their own way of life, in accordance with their own beliefs and customs.

  CITIZEN: In other words, sir, if Lieutenant Calley assumed the woman was simply fat, and killed her under that assumption, that would still square with your personal belief in the sanctity of human life, including the life of the yet unborn.

  TRICKY: Absolutely. If I find that he assumed she was simply overweight, I give you my utmost assurance, I will in no way be prejudiced against his appeal.

  CITIZEN: But, sir, suppose, just suppose, that he did know she was pregnant.

  TRICKY: Well, we are down to the heart of the matter now, aren’t we?

  CITIZEN: I’m afraid so, sir.

  TRICKY: Yes, we are down to this issue of “abortion on demand,” which, admittedly, is totally unacceptable to me, on the basis of my personal and religious beliefs.

  CITIZEN: Abortion on demand?

  TRICKY: If this Vietnamese woman presented herself to Lieutenant Calley for abortion … let’s assume, for the sake of argument, she was one of those girls who goes out and has a good time and then won’t own up to the consequences; unfortunately, we have them here just as they have them over there—the misfits, the bums, the tramps, the few who give the many a bad name … but if this woman presented herself to Lieutenant Calley for abortion, with some kind of note, say, that somebody had written for her in English, and Lieutenant Calley, let’s say, in the heat and pressure of the moment, performed the abortion, during the course of which the woman died …

  CITIZEN: Yes. I think I follow you so far.

  TRICKY: Well, I just have to wonder if the woman isn’t herself equally as guilty as the lieutenant—if she is not more so. I just have to wonder if this isn’t a case for the Saigon courts, after all. Let’s be perfectly frank: you cannot die of an abortion, if you don’t go looking for the abortion to begin with. If you have not gotten yourself in an abortion predicament to begin with. Surely that’s perfectly clear.

  CITIZEN: It is, sir.

  TRICKY: Consequently, even if Lieutenant Calley did participate in a case of “abortion on demand,” it would seem to me, speaking strictly as a lawyer, mind you, that there are numerous extenuating factors to consider, not the least of which is the attempt to perform a surgical operation under battlefield conditions. I would think that more than one medic has been cited for doing less.

  CITIZEN: Cited for what?

  TRICKY: Bravery, of course.

  CITIZEN: But… but, Mr. President, what if it wasn’t “abortion on demand”? What if Lieutenant Calley gave her an abortion without her demanding one, or even asking for one—or even wanting one?

  TRICKY: As an outright form of population control, you mean?

  CITIZEN: Well, I was thinking more along the lines of an outright form of murder.

  TRICKY (reflecting): Well, of course, that is a very iffy question, isn’t it? What we lawyers call a hypothetical instance—isn’t it? If you will remember, we are only supposing there to have been a pregnant woman in that ditch at My Lai to begin with. Suppose there wasn’t a pregnant woman in that ditch—which, in fact, seems from all evidence to have been the case. We are then involved in a totally academic discussion.

  CITIZEN: Yes, sir. If so, we are.

  TRICKY: Which doesn’t mean it hasn’t been of great value to me, nonetheless. In my review of Lieutenant Calley’s case, I will now be particularly careful to inquire whether there is so much as a single shred of evidence that one of those twenty-two in that ditch at My Lai was a pregnant woman. And if there is—if I should find in the evidence against the lieutenant anything whatsoever that I cannot square with my personal belief in the sanctity of human life, including the life of the yet unborn, I will disqualify myself as a judge and pass the entire matter on to the Vice President.

  CITIZEN: Thank you, Mr. President. I think we can all sleep better at night knowing that.

  2

  Tricky Holds a

  Press Conference

  MR. ASSLICK: Sir, as regards your San Dementia statement of April 3, the discussion it provoked seems now to have centered on your unequivocal declaration that you are a firm believer in the rights of the unborn. Many seem to believe that you are destined to be to the unborn what Martin Luther King was to the black people of America, and the late Robert F. Charisma to the disadvantaged chicanos and Puerto Ricans of the country. There are those who say that your San Dementia statement will go down in the history books alongside Dr. King’s famous “I have a dream” address. Do you find these comparisons apt?

  TRICKY: Well, of course, Mr. Asslick, Martin Luther King was a very great man, as we all must surely recognize now that he is dead. He was a great leader in the struggle for equal rights for his people, and yes, I do believe he’ll find a place in history. But of course we must not forget he was not the President of the United States, as I am, empowered by the Constitution, as I am; and this is an important distinction to bear in mind. Working within the Constitution I think I will be able to accomplish far more for the unborn of this entire nation than did Dr. King working outside the Constitution for the born of a single race. This is meant to be no criticism of Dr. King, but just a simple statement of fact.

  Now, of course I am well aware that Dr. King died a martyr’s tragic death—so let me then make one thing very clear to my enemies and the enemies of the unborn: let there be no mistake about it, what they did to Martin Luther King, what they did to Robert F. Charisma and to John F. Charisma before him, great Americans all, is not for a moment going to deter me from engaging in the struggle that lies ahead. I will not be intimidated by extremists or militants or violent fanatics from bringing justice and equality to those who live in the womb. And let me make one thing more perfectly clear: I am not just talking about the rights of the fetus. I am talking about the microscopic embryos as well. If ever there was a group in
this country that was “disadvantaged,” in the sense that they are utterly without representation or a voice in our national government, it is not the blacks or the Puerto Ricans or the hippies or what-have-you, all of whom have their spokesmen, but these infinitesimal creatures up there on the placenta.

  You know, we all watch our TV and we see the demonstrators and we see the violence, because, unfortunately, that is the kind of thing that makes the news. But how many of us realize that throughout this great land of ours, there are millions upon millions of embryos going through the most complex and difficult changes in form and structure, and all this they accomplish without waving signs for the camera and disrupting traffic and throwing paint and using foul language and dressing in outlandish clothes. Yes, Mr. Daring.

  MR. DARING: But what about those fetuses, sir, that the Vice President has labeled “troublemakers”? I believe he was referring specifically to those who start in kicking around the fifth month. Do you agree that they are “malcontents” and “ingrates”? And if so, what measures do you intend to take to control them?

  TRICKY: Well, first off, Mr. Daring, I believe we are dealing here with some very fine distinctions of a legal kind. Now, fortunately (impish endearing smile) I happen to be a lawyer and have the kind of training that enables me to make these fine distinctions. (Back to serious business) I think we have to be very very careful here—and I am sure the Vice President would agree with me—to distinguish between two kinds of activity: kicking in the womb, to which the Vice President was specifically referring, and moving in the womb. You see, the Vice President did not say, despite what you may have heard on television, that all fetuses who are active in the womb are troublemakers. Nobody in this Administration believes that. In fact, I have just today spoken with both Attorney General Malicious and with Mr. Heehaw at the FBI, and we are all in agreement that a certain amount of movement in the womb, after the fifth month, is not only inevitable but desirable in a normal pregnancy.